A Bitter Heart

The question has been posed, what impact does the Easter Bunny have on our society? The answer to that question has many parts, and it is unclear to many whether this figure has a positive or negative effect on our culture. Ultimately, the Easter Bunny has had a negative influence on us.

The most superficial and obvious answer to the overall question is that the Easter Bunny has a wonderful effect on society. The Easter Bunny brings annual gifts of foil-wrapped chocolate eggs and duck-shaped marshmallow treats to households across the world, creating immediate happiness for children and adults alike. Nobody would begrudge this charitable rabbit for spreading sugary-happiness through Christian homes across the world.

That being said, this happiness is inevitably short-lived. Mere hours after the adrenaline of the egg hunt has worn off and copious amounts of candy have been consumed, the “Post-Easter Regret” sets in. Existential questions like “How did I eat the whole thing?” and “What am I doing? I don’t even have kids!” are asked, sinking millions of individuals into a cloud of depression and tummy aches. The Easter Bunny, whose name had been praised earlier the very same day, is now cursed for bringing about such evil.

In addition to its casual regard for causing such intense discomfort, the Easter Bunny demonstrates a blatant disrespect for laws regarding trespassing and breaking and entering. What message is this sending our children? That candy makes everything alright? Incorrect. The law applies to everyone, even vigilante sugar-strewing criminal critters. If the Easter Bunny didn’t have such a knack for evading capture, its reign of terror would’ve ended years ago and its name would now be only a legend used to frighten pre-teens at summer camp.

To the question of whether I will teach my own children about the Easter Bunny, the answer is yes. I cannot keep my children in the dark about such things. While I hate to crush childish innocence, the children must know the truth. Beyond the façade of sweet candy often lurks a bitter heart. And so, to my future children, I apologize.

There is evil in this world. And there’s nothing sweet about it.