The Plague of BYU

Brigham Young University is a delightful place. The very air seems to glisten with an unearthly sheen, and the general feeling on campus is similar to what I imagine that of Hogwarts to be. These very qualities, however, have resulted in BYU’s biggest problem: overcrowding.

                I am a small town boy. I am unused to “traffic jams” and “smog” and “more than one traffic light in a city”. Upon coming to BYU, I was extremely surprised to discover such things as lines for the restrooms and a lack of available comfy chairs in the lobby. There are simply too many people on campus. This problem is a grievous issue affecting every individual who has ever gone to a vending machine hoping to enjoy a delicious package of miniature blueberry muffins and was confronted with a machine completely sold out, save for an expired chicken salad sandwich. I am sure everyone reading this can relate to my deep and lasting feelings of emptiness and rage.

                Alas, this problem has no solution. BYU has brought together thousands of beautiful, creative, faithful people from across the galaxy. I would not deny anyone a place at this wonderful institution. And so, while thousands of people continue to block my access to the bathroom and take all of my muffins, I will bear this unsolvable problem like the pioneers of old and carry the pain deep in my heart.