You Know I Can See You, Right?

My Dearest Everyone-Who-Doesn’t-Wash-Their-Hands-After-Using-The-Bathroom,

            First of all, let me congratulate you on still being alive. I thought everyone knew about hand-washing since the discovery of the germ some 200 years ago, but obviously you never learned that lesson and have survived anyway. You are a miracle of both human health and stupidity.  Take that, natural selection.

            I suppose it is a mystery to you why this bothers me so. Allow me to explain, and please forgive me if my tone becomes slightly unkind.  

            Imagine a bathroom. Picture the tile floors, off-white walls, toilets, and those little white box things sticking out of the wall. Do you know what those are? They are called sinks, my dear nincompoop, and they are a significant part of the bathroom process. Except for you, who are apparently above such trivial things as hygiene, the sink is used to gently clean your hands after the unclean actions performed in the bathroom. I sincerely plead that next time you finish your bathroom business, you take a moment to try something new and wash your hands. Who knows? It might be fun and quite pleasant! I know you have never tried it before, but I promise you it will in no way harm you or decrease your stature as a man.

            In conclusion, please know that I feel no hatred for you personally. It is only your sickening habit that is indirectly responsible for 92% of the sickness and death in the world that slightly bothers me. I’m sure you are a lovely person. But I’m quite sure that we can never be friends. Forgive me if I refrain from shaking your hand.

            Regards,

                        Brian Perez