Watching This Movie Will Be Enjoyable

Paul Blart: Mall Cop, movie trailer script

(Streetlights shine dully over an abandoned parking lot. The hour is late and the night is cold. A soft rumble breaks the chill silence as a car pulls into the lot. The driver {casted as Angelina Jolie}, a beautiful young woman, has her face shrouded by a pair of sunglasses and a scarf. The woman, with trembling hands, pulls out a cell phone and dials a number she has long since memorized)

Jolie: Sir…it’s back. I don’t know how…but it’s back. (pause) I understand, sir. Consider it done.

(The woman terminates the call, then leans her head back and closes her eyes tightly, trying to avoid doing what she knows must be done. She dials another memorized number.)

Jolie: Agent Blart. This is T. You have been activated.

(a short pause, then a deep voice responds.)

Blart: Affirmative.

(The short interaction has left the woman in the car shaking and in a cold sweat. She again ends her call and fumbles with her keys as she turns the ignition. As she idles out of the lot, something catches her eye. In a side mirror, the woman can see a small red light blinking. The woman frowns and is about to stop the car when the explosive device secured to the underside of the car detonates, destroying the car and its occupant in a fiery blast)

Cut to Blart {casted as Tom Cruise} sitting hunched at a table in a dimly lit room.

(voiceover by Morgan Freeman)

Freeman: One man.

(Cruise stands)

Freeman: On a mission.

{Cruise drains his glass of whiskey and straps a pistol to his hip}

Freeman: To save all that he loves.

{Cruise turns to face the camera as a stiff breeze ruffles his hair.}

Freeman: This summer. Do not miss this year’s must see thriller. Starring Tom Cruise*, Angelina Jolie*, and directed by James Cameron*….PAUL BLART: MALL COP.

(Fade out)

*Due to budget cuts, Mr. Cruise, Ms. Jolie, and Mr. Cameron will not be involved whatsoever in this film.

**This commercial is a complete fabrication. None of the scenes described in this trailer will appear in the actual film. I apologize for the deception. Absolutely nothing else would convince an individual to watch this atrocious movie.