Psychological Analysis of a Love Note

Analysis of Admirer 1:

I am unimpressed with this note. Every rhetorical argument is based on pathos and flattery combined with vague compliments. The whole thing doesn’t feel genuine. The rare bits of logic are faulty. First he/she (I cannot be sure, which makes me extremely nervous. I will refer to the author as a she for the sake of comfort) states “I can’t stop thinking about you and I can’t keep it in anymore,” and “I want the whole world to know.” If this desire to reveal to the world her infatuation for me was genuine, why would she tell me in a secret note? On top of that, why would she not even tell me her identity? In addition to all of this, if I don’t know who is speaking or that she likes me, why would she be waiting alone for me “so many nights”?? I am enormously creeped out by this. Assuming this is genuine, I am worried for this person’s sanity.  

The message is generic, making me think it was printed out dozens of times, taped to a cheap box of chocolates and distributed randomly on the doorsteps of people hopefully of the same gender. I doubt my “secret lover” knows me at all.  I can only assume the author of the note is waiting in an unmarked van with a chloroform soaked handkerchief. In the hypothetical situation where I receive this gift, I would promptly call University Police and warn them about suspicious individuals lurking in front of the complex around midnight.

In summary, I will not be making an appearance at your romantic meeting. My apologies.

The second admirer seemed nice though. I’d probably accept her offer.